Ileostomy Bag Prince(ss)

Sometimes I get called out for not being honest about my emotions while going through this battle. Remaining positive has been one of the biggest attributions to our success so far and I assure you that it is genuine: far from contrived. That doesn’t mean I don’t experience negativity from time to time. Today was one of those days. I hope it’s okay if I share about it with you.

Just to catch everyone up, I am still a candidate for surgery as the tumours have been contained to the right lobe of my liver. However, they are a bit too big to operate on at this time so my surgeon asked us to switch my chemo protocol back to the Oxaliplatin (the one that caused me the neuropathy issues) so we have the best chance at shrinking these tumours back down to a reasonable size. After one treatment, the neuropathy has been minimal; however, I am on my third consecutive “crash” day which has really taken a toll on my well-being. To add onto the change in treatment, my last round of golf yielded a recurrent rotator cuff injury so I am unable to play tennis or golf (my main sources of recreational joy and exercise). Just for good measure, let’s add so much smoke in Kamloops that we can’t see across the road, and we’ve got the perfect conditions for life to outright suck.

Just to break out of the monotony of couch crash time, I mustered up enough energy to go with the ladies to rec pool. We haven’t done anything like this for a long time so there was quite a bit of excitement. On the way to the pool, I was more concerned about maintaining enough momentum to make it through the outing. Thinking about being out in public with my shirt off for the first time since my surgery was less than an afterthought. As comfortable as I have become with my Os’Timmy’ bag (it has a name too, obvs), I really don’t like when others are uncomfortable due to my state. Most of you know that I have never been shy about my body or really had much humility when it comes to physical appearance. Exiting the changeroom uncovered from the top up was an experience I have never felt before. I was self-conscious. I was concerned about looking disgusting and confusing people about what weird thing was hanging from my body. It was such a strange, unexpected feeling to experience. Luckily, Ostimmy stayed sealed the entire time and no poop fell out. That would have been beyond embarrassing.

So this post is for those of you who think I pretend that nothing is wrong. Having cancer sucks. Today was a reminder of that. So here is a photo of me at one of the most vulnerable times of my life.

It’s not all good. But it’s not all bad. And it doesn’t change the fact that CANCER OF THE RECTUM CAN’T WRECK TIM! #CantRecTim